


The Proper Procedure for Filing a Mission Report

by xylophones



Series: Zero Gravity 'verse [4]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Alternate Universe - Space, Established Relationship, Future, Humor, M/M, Married Couple, Outer Space, POV Outsider, Star Trek AU, Starfleet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-24
Updated: 2017-09-24
Packaged: 2019-01-04 15:57:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12172110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xylophones/pseuds/xylophones
Summary: Jessa likes to think of herself as a level-headed person.That being said, if she has to read through one more page about Commander Yuuri Katsuki’s eyes, or Commander Yuuri Katsuki’s muscular thighs, or how cute Commander Yuuri Katsuki looked while picking up rock samples––She’s going to steal a ship and fly to the Enterprise’s’ last known location so that she can personally smack Viktor Nikiforov upside the head.





	The Proper Procedure for Filing a Mission Report

**Author's Note:**

> space bureaucracy 
> 
> (heads up: this is set a little later, after viktor and yuuri get married!!)

Jessa should’ve known she was in trouble when Starfleet mysteriously raised her pay after she agreed to supervise the mission reports from the starship Enterprise.

She should have run screaming in the other direction, taking the generous severance package and whisking her family off to a peaceful, tropical planet where Viktor Nikiforov will never bother her.

Well. It’s too late. She’s invested now.

 

 

 

Jessa is good at paperwork. She’s the _best_ at paperwork. Bureaucracy is, like, her thing. So when she’s offered the job to become the main liaison between the greater Starfleet entity and the famous starship Enterprise, she jumps at the opportunity.

“Thank you for your sacrifice,” her manager, Greg, says to her. He lowers all of his six eyes in a sign of respect. “Just know, it’s not too late to back out.”

“Sorry?”

“We won’t judge you. Many of us have tried and failed.”

“Um,” Jessa says. “Right.”

“You’re a bright kid, Human–Jessa Cruz,” Greg continues. “If you start to feel overwhelmed just let me know and I will do my best to assign you a nicer ship. Maybe the Endeavour with Captain Mae Jemison would suit you better.”

“I think I’ll be quite alright with the Enterprise,” Jessa says.

She doesn’t understand why the position was open for so long or why her co-workers shoot her pitying glances as she goes to refill her coffee. Yes, she’s relatively new to the department, a fresh graduate, but that doesn’t mean she’s incapable. She got decent grades while at the Academy.

She also doesn’t understand why Greg hisses everytime someone mentions the Enterprise. It has the reputation for being one of the best ships in the fleet. Captain Nikiforov is the youngest person to ever be given control of a ship in Starfleet history. Not only that but Jessa knew first officer Yuuri Katsuki back at the Academy. He was finishing up his sixth year when she was a freshman but he was widely known on campus for being _the_ person to go to when you need help with a class.

(He can also do some impressive pole dancing maneuvers and had half the student body in love with him, but that’s not something Jessa can personally confirm.)

Jessa doesn’t know why everyone seems to think her new job is a death sentence, but she’s determined to prove that she’s more than capable of handling it. Hell, it might even be fun. She’s always been interested in space exploration. Reading their mission reports will be just like those sci-fi novels she use to read as a kid, except everything in them _actually happened_ , and how cool is that? She thinks that everything is going to be fine.

And then she gets the first mission report.

 

 

 

“You don’t understand!” Jessa wails.

“ _Anak_ , not so loud,” her mother chides.

“It’s _hell,_ ” Jessa continues, not lowering her voice, “literal hell. I’m dying.”

“It can’t be that bad,” her brother chimes in. “I mean, they’re paying you a small fortune to do it.”

“No, Michael, it’s that bad.” Jessa sighs and adjusts her webcam. She pinches the bridge of her nose. On her datapad screen, her mother shakes her head.

“You’re being dramatic, as usual,” she says. “What can be so bad about it?

“ _Everything_!”

Both her mother and Michael look unimpressed.

“It’s like–– okay,” Jessa says. “In Starfleet we have _order_. The mission reports system is meticulously catalogued. There’s a form for everything! A form that needs to be filled out, peer reviewed, processed, and approved before you can do anything. It’s important that everything is filed and approved so that we can look back on records for, like, legal reasons and stuff.”

“Is it true that you guys have every mission since Starfleet was started?” Michael buts in.

“Yes!” Jessa waves her hands around. “We have it in both physical paper copy and digitally, stored in multiple places just in case!”

“Well, duh,” Michael says. “It would be stupid to keep all your information in one place. Like, keeping all your information on a planet like Scarif? That’s dumb. What if someone tried to blow it up? Or what if a rogue team decided to try to steal plans for a weapon of mass destruction?”

“See? You get it!”

“Okay, so is that the problem? Does the captain not fill out the forms?”

“Oh, he fills out the forms,” Jessa sighs, “they’re just _unreadable_.”

“Unreadable?”

“Un––” Jessa slams her hand down on her desk–– “readable.”

“Is his handwriting messy?”

Jessa shakes her head. “He types it out. It’s not that I can’t physically read it, it’s that––”

Jessa groans in frustration.

“–– they’re all about his husband, Yuuri Katsuki!”

 

 

 

Jessa likes to think of herself as a level-headed person.

That being said, if she has to read through _one more page_ about Yuuri Katsuki’s eyes, or Yuuri Katsuki’s muscular thighs, or how _cute_ Yuuri Katsuki looked while picking up rock samples––

She’s going to steal a ship and fly to the Enterprises’ last known docking location so that she can personally smack Viktor Nikiforov upside the head.

“How are you holding up, Human-Jessa Cruz,” Greg asks her.

“Captain Nikiforov sent me his mission report on the exploration of planet Delta-04 in the Salchow quadrant,” Jessa mutters. “Do you want to guess how many pages of it is about Commander Katsuki?”

“Five?”

“ _All of them_.” Jessa knocks back the rest of her coffee. “I’ve been reading through this thing for the past two hours. I have to keep taking breaks or else I might actually set my computer on fire.”

“Doesn’t Commander Yuuri himself usually file a mission report?” Jessa’s cubicle neighbor, Ix’ep, asks. “Why can’t you just accept his report?”

“I need to cross check them,” Jessa answers, “just in case something contradicts.”

“That, and throwing away an officially submitted mission report is against Starfleet protocols, Madrelen-Ix’ep Flinn,” Greg reminds him.

“Besides, Captain Nikiforov technically did report on the mission. It’s just full of unnecessary descriptions of how––” Jessa squints at the screen in front of her “‘Yuuri bent down to take a soil sample, showing off his lovely, shapely ass.’”

“Oh my _god_ ,” someone in the office says.

“‘He looked ethereal in the dim light of the cavern,’” Jessa continues to read, projecting her voice so her co-workers can share in her misery. “‘His hair fell across his forehead perfectly. He didn’t even react when we were attacked by a herd of glowing bat-like creatures. My husband is perfect and I am the luckiest man alive. His eyes sparkled like––”

“Okay, that’s enough,” Greg interrupts. He cringes and pats Jessa on the shoulder. “Again, it’s not too late to transfer, Human-Jessa Cruz.”

“Giving up is for the weak,” Jessa says. Ix’ep hands her a fresh cup of coffee and she throws it back like a shot. “And I am not weak.”

“That was scalding hot,” Ix’ep says, horrified.

Jessa locks eyes with him. Ix’ep squirms.

“I am not weak.”

 

 

 

The next report Jessa receives starts out deceptively straightforward, if the grammar is a bit wonky. Half-way through Jessa realizes that Captain Nikiforov had capitalized specific letters to spell out ‘I love Yuuri Katuski’ over and over again.

She shuts down her computer and shuffles into the break room.

“I am not weak,” she tells the coffee machine.

The coffee machine does not reply.

“You know, Jessa,” Michael says to her over facetime one night, “I was thinking about doing the same work as you.”

“Really?” Jessa perks up.

“Yeah. You make enough money to take care of us, you get to read about cool space adventures all day, you live in _space_! That’s cool.”

“So, are you going to apply to Starfleet next year?”

“See, that’s the thing,” Michael says, a sly glint in his eyes. “I _was_ thinking about it. But if there’s even a chance of being assigned to file reports for a captain only half as bad as yours I might actually die. No thanks. I’m going into bioengineering instead.”

Jessa scowls. “You’re the worst little brother ever.”

“You love me,” Michael says.

“Unfortunately.”

 

 

 

“Lucky you, Jessa,” Steve greets her one morning. “You have _two_ mission reports today. They just got sent in.”

“I hate you, Steve. Everyone hates you. Stay out of my inbox.”

Steve chuckles. He hands her an extra large mug of coffee though, so all is forgiven.

Jessa sits down at her desk. She boots up her computer and opens up the first file. What loads is a selfie taken by Captain Nikiforov with Commander Yuuri in the background, studying some plants and unaware of the camera. She scrolls, and discovers that Captain Nikiforov has decided to report on the entire weeklong mission in selfies.

Jessa’s eye twitches.

 

 

 

Jessa doesn’t really understand Captain Nikiforov’s fixation with Yuuri Katsuki and all his supposed perfection until she talks to him face to face.

“Ah,” Yuuri Katsuki says, “Miss Cruz! It’s an honor to finally meet you!”

Jessa freezes. Yuuri Katsuki is _attractive_.

There’s something in the way that he holds himself that just pulls people in. He’s polite yet friendly, serious yet adorable. He just got off the shuttle from his ship to the space station where Jessa works and he has bags under his eyes and a rumpled uniform and yet he manages to pull it off like it’s the latest runway fashion.

Jessa does not remember Yuuri Katsuki being this cute in the Academy.

“Commander,” she smiles warmly, “the pleasure is all mine. And please, call me Jessa, I’m supposed to be a friendly face.”

“Jessa! You can call me Yuuri,” Yuuri Kats–– Yuuri says.

“Alright, Yuuri. Is there anything I can help you with? Greg didn’t tell me why you made the trip all the way out to see us.”

“Right, well––” Yuuri flushes. “I, uh. I wanted to apologize.”

“Apologize?”

“Yes. You see, Viktor can get a little, uh, affectionate towards me. And he sometimes lets that bleed into his mission reports.”

“Oh, yes,” Jessa says drily. “I’m well aware.”

“I am so, _so_ sorry! He’s a good captain, and he’s more than capable of writing a formal, complete mission report he just–– uh, doesn’t?”

“And why not?”

“He doesn’t really believe in the whole,” Yuuri waves a hand around, “bureaucracy thing. He thinks he’s fighting the system.”

“Does he realize that the only thing he’s fighting is me?”

“He has his heart in the right place, I swear! My husband is a good man,” Yuuri says. “But no, he doesn’t.”

Jessa sighs. Yuuri blushes even darker.

“That’s why I’m here, though! The Enterprise is on a one month break while the ship goes through some repairs so I requested to be dropped off at your workstation so I could maybe help you sort through our reports? It is, technically, my fault that you even have to deal with all of this in the first place.”

“You want to help me?” Jessa asks incredulously. “Do you know how long it takes me to sort through one of Viktor’s reports?”

Yuuri winces. “Yes. But, hey, it should go faster with two of us working on it, shouldn’t it?”

Jessa gapes. Who knew Yuuri Katsuki was so nice? And charming and handsome and kind and scarily efficient when it comes to paperwork?

Viktor Nikiforov knew. He was right, his husband _is_ perfect.

 

 

 

It only takes them a week to completely organize everything. In that time Jessa decides that Yuuri is the coolest person she’s ever met and she wants to adopt him as an older brother.

“Yeah, so I’m running through this forest and freaking out because my tricorder isn’t working,” Yuuri tells her, as he’s shuffling through some papers, “when suddenly I trip over a vine and fall straight into a ravine.”

“Oh my god,” Jessa says.

“No, it’s alright! I was okay, just a couple of bruises,” Yuuri assures her. “Anyway, I brush myself off and look around, praying for a way to climb up so I can make it to the rendezvous point before the shuttle leaves, right? When suddenly there’s like a shape? Moving in the dark? And then I look around and realize there are a lot of shapes and they’re surrounding me, so naturally I thought I was going to die.”

“What happened next?”

“I tried to get my phaser out but then I realized I dropped it earlier, while I was running from the bugs. So, it’s dark and I just fell down a hole and I’m defenseless on a completely unexplored planet with no way to contact my crew, and I’m surrounded by mysterious figures.”

“Well, obviously you didn’t die,” Jessa says impatiently, “so just tell me what happened already.”

“I’m getting there!” Yuuri chuckles. “Okay, at this point I’m ready to cry but then one of the figures steps into the light and––”

“ _And?_ ”

“––and it’s a dog!”

“Like… an Earth dog? An actual dog?”

“Yes! It was a golden retriever! So then, naturally, I dropped to my knees and started to pet the dog because all dogs are good dogs and they deserve pets.”

Jessa nods like this is one of the fundamental truths in life.

“And then suddenly I’m surrounded by dogs! At least twenty different dogs and they’re all super friendly. They all piled on me and let me pet them. It was the happiest day of my life.”

Yuuri stops and frowns. “Well, besides my wedding, I guess. But it was a close second!”

“Wait, why were all these dogs there?”

“Oh, yeah, I was getting to that! So it turns out that a dog breeder crash landed on the planet a couple weeks ago–– who knows why he was all the way out in unexplored space with so many dogs–– and he was trying to send a distress signal. That’s what the weird radio interference was. And I just happened to fall into the cave where he and his dogs had been living.”

Jessa lets out a low whistle. “Wow. What are the chances?”

“I know, right? Anyway, I got him to turn off his radio and my tricorder started working again so we contacted the ship in time. We gave him and his dogs a ride to the nearest Federation planet and made sure they were all safe and on their way back home.”

“Okay,” Jessa says. “Then why does Viktor’s mission report go on for pages and pages about how you don’t love him anymore?”

Yuuri blushes. He does that a lot whenever Viktor’s involved.

“Oh, well, while we were transporting them I kind of spent a lot of time with the dogs? Like, almost every free hour I had and I guess Viktor got kind of jealous.”

“Of… the dogs?”

Yuuri rolls his eyes. “Ridiculous, I know. We ended up adopting that golden retriever though. I named him Milo. So, yeah, that’s the full story.”

“That’s adorable,” Jessa says. She looks down at the report in her hands. “And nothing like what the official report says.”

“Well, things are different when you’re out in the field. Most missions, even just the ones where we collect rock samples, are really fun but the mission reports always come off as dull. I think I’m just a bad writer.”

“Blasphemy,” Jessa says. “Your mission reports are perfect, please start writing Viktor’s reports for him.”

Yuuri chuckles. He goes back to sorting papers.

Jessa sighs wistfully. “Field work sounds like so much fun.”

Yuuri stops his shuffling and looks at her. He considers her carefully and then smiles.

“You know,” Yuuri says casually, “You wouldn’t have to sort through Viktor’s reports if you were the one typing them up.”

“What?”

“Most ships have an officer who writes up and submits reports for them,” Yuuri continues. “We just don’t have one because we’ve never found anyone suited for the position.”

He gives her a significant look.

“Are you,” Jessa asks slowly, “offering me a job?”

“Yes.”

When Jessa was eight years old her teacher told her to draw a picture of her dream job. Jessa had drawn herself wearing a Starfleet uniform, shaking the hand of an alien with a gleaming starship behind her. It had taken her thirty minutes and no less than seventeen different crayon colors. To this day, Jessa regards it as her magnum opus, even if she did draw herself slightly too tall.

“I–– I’ll have to think about it,” she says lamely. “It sounds like fun. It’s just, well, it’s easier to visit my family when they’re only a shuttle away.”

Yuuri nods. “I understand. Now, do you wanna hear the story behind the Yavin 5 mission report? The dogs in this mission weren’t actual dogs, they were raccoons, but I’ll get into that later.”

By the time Yuuri is boarding the shuttle back to the Enterprise, Jessa’s already convinced that she’d follow Yuuri into battle if he asked.

“You remind me a lot of my sister,” Yuuri says, ruffling her hair. She bats away his hand but pulls him into a hug.

“Have fun galavanting around the galaxy with your husband and your dogs,” Jessa says. “Don’t forget to sign every copy of your mission report before you submit it.”

“I won’t. And don’t forget: if you ever change your mind, we’d love to have you aboard the Enterprise with us.”

Jessa smiles. “Thanks, but I’m happy here. Filing really is my passion.”

 

 

 

The next week, Jessa receives a mission report that is half keysmash with a tacked on email apologizing because, apparently, a cat walked across the keyboard before Captain Nikiforov was finished typing it. A couple minutes later Jessa gets the actual report. She clicks to open it.

Mission Report

[Stardate 7907.29]

_We landed on planet ST1966 in the middle of a light drizzle. Yuuri kept taking off his glasses to wipe off the water which was very distracting. Yuuri without his glasses on has the power to bring grown men to their knees. Yuuri with glasses on has the power to bring grown men to their knees. I wouldn’t mind going down on my knees for––_

Jessa closes the report. She picks up the long-range communicator on her desk.

“Hello? Yes, Yuuri? Is that job still on the table? No, I haven’t quit yet but I’m about to. Yes. Yes, okay. Yeah. Well, I just realized that I _never_ want to read another one of Captain Nikiforov’s mission reports again. Yeah. Okay, see you soon.”

She boards the next shuttle to the Enterprise. Greg cries as he watches her go.

 

 

 

“ _You_ ,” Jessa hisses as soon as she’s locked eyes with Captain Viktor Nikiforov.

“Me?” he squeaks.

“You! You are _never_ allowed to file a mission report without me again.”

“Um, Yuuri,” Captain Nikiforov gulps. “Who is this? Why is she angry with me?”

“She’s our new official Mission Write-Up Person.” Yuuri wrinkles his nose. “We can work on the official title later. This is Jessa, she’s in charge of writing up your mission reports now.”

“I’m doing a public service,” Jessa says. “No one should ever have to read through your reports again. Not while I have the power to prevent it.”

Captain Nikiforov frowns.. “My mission reports are––”

“Awful,” Jessa says at the same time that Yuuri says, “Tear inducing.”

Captain Nikiforov pouts.

“After a mission, you’re going to sit down with Jessa and tell her all the details. Then she’s going to type it up and fill out the correct forms and submit them to Starfleet, where someone will file them properly. No one gets hurt.”

“No more tears,” Jessa says.

“Fine,” Captain Nikiforov huffs. “Welcome to the Enterprise, Jessa.”

 

 

 

After the next mission Jessa sits down in Captain Nikiforov’s office with her datapad and her hard light keyboard. She has her voice recorder ready so that she can cross reference it with her typed up notes later, when she’s filling in the details of the report.

“Okay,” she says, sitting up properly in front of her keyboard. “I’m ready. Just start telling me about the mission and I’ll type it up.”

“Okay,” Captain Nikiforov says. He flashes her a charming smile. “First, we had to wear our EVA suits because the atmosphere on GH3890 isn’t safe to breathe. Yuuri looked so handsome in his suit I was ready to get married again on the spot. He smiled at me while we were setting up and I was sure my heart would burst. He’s so cute, my husband––”

Jessa blinks.

“His eyes are the warmest shade of brown I’ve ever seen. It’s cute how he widens his eyes when he’s observing his surroundings. He’s adorable. I love my husband––”

“No,” Jessa says. She snaps her keyboard shut. “No. Nope, nope, no way. I’m _out_.”

“What?” Captain Nikiforov tilts his head to the side in confusion. “What did I do?”

“You’re taking me on the next mission,” Jessa tells him, unbothered by the fact that he’s her captain, and could fire her if he wanted to, “and you will never try to tell me about a mission again. I’ll go myself and write down my observations. Yes, I think this is the less painful option for everyone.”

“O… Okay?” Captain Nikiforov says. “If you think it will help you with your job.”

“Good,” Jessa says. Then, she tacks on a polite “thank you, Captain.”

She exits Captain Nikiforov’s office, pinging Yuuri on the comms so she can interview him for the actual mission report.

Starfleet doesn’t pay her enough for this.

 

 

 

A month later, Jessa goes on her first landing mission. It’s dangerous and terrifying and she almost dies three different times. It’s the most fun she’s ever had in her _entire life_.

She gets back to her quarters on the Enterprise after getting the all-clear from the Chief Medical Officer, Seung-gil. She types up her report that same night, while it’s still fresh in her memory. She thinks about the sci-fi novels she use to read as a kid.

Within five minutes of submitting it she gets an email from Ix’ep. The subject line is a series of happy face and prayer hand emojis. Attached is a picture of Greg weeping tears of joy.

_Thank you, Jessa,_ Ix’ep has written, _you’ve saved Greg from an early death. We all praise your paperwork skills._

Jessa is good at paperwork. Jessa is the _best_ at paperwork.

**Author's Note:**

> hello again friends!!
> 
> i was originally planning on posting this a little farther down the line, but the next part is taking me a lil longer than i thought it would + i start college in like 2 days n im lowkey freaking out !!!!
> 
> (also this was unbeta'd + unedited because i really wasnt planning on posting this lol but sorry for any typos!! pls try your best to ignore them!! i will probably come back and fix it when i have more time!!
> 
> I'm [xyloophones](https://xyloophones.tumblr.com/) on tumblr!! check out my [0g tag](https://xyloophones.tumblr.com/tagged/0g) on there for 0g related things + amazing art by my friends!!
> 
> and i'm [@_xylophones](https://twitter.com/_xylophones) on twitter!


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